More thankful than words...

How do you find words for those moments when you feel the most deeply? The ones that bring you to your knees in gratitude, or leave you shaking with fear?  How can words capture the entire range of raw human emotion and experience with all its nuance and fragility in the moments of life that leave their marks the most deeply on our souls?
 I'm not sure words can. And if words even could, I'm not sure I will find them. But I feel compelled to try. Not because I'm unique among mankind, but because the Bible says, "One generation shall praise Thy works to another, and shall declare Thy mighty acts." Psalm 145:4

   Starting earlier in this month, we were blessed with a special gift to start work on our road. To fully appreciate just what this means to us, please imagine a year of trekking roughly 100 yards back and forth from where we had to park the truck to our cabin. More than half that time we were slogging through mud and water carrying everything from sleeping children to building supplies. It would take too long (and distract from my point here) to go into very much detail about all the ins and outs of our road, but suffice it to say it was a project that we had hoped to have tackled much sooner and it just hadn't worked out. But as I am learning, God is the God of our stops as well as our starts, and His timing is so perfect. So, early Monday morning we got our first loads of dirt dumped. And because The Lord is so perfect in His detail, He allowed a co-worker of Ed's to volunteer to bring his tractor to help spread and pack the dirt, allowing us to not only get done in a little over an hour what would have taken us the rest of the week to complete (with all of us working and using shovels, buckets and a wagon), but also to get one more load of dirt dumped after the first two were spread. (And I'm sure that is the longest run-on sentence in the history of ever. =)
We have such a long driveway that Ed and I have a friendly little bet going as to how many more loads of dirt it will take to complete the driveway up to the cabin. I'm saying 10, Ed says 5 (my Dad says 12-15). I'll let y'all know who wins. =)
 Anyway, I have to confess to a whole lot of doubt that this project was even going to be started before rains came again and made roadwork impossible for another 9 months, but The Lord always does exceeding, abundantly above all that we ask or think! And watching an almost total stranger spend hours of his day off to work on our road while we just watched, and then not accept payment, is one of the most humbling experiences ever. My prayer was one steady stream of "Thank you, Lord!". Moments like those, 'Thank you' feels so inadequate, and yet that is all you can say.

 In amazes me how quickly we can move from one overwhelming experience to another….I feel as though we have been riding a wave of just one blessing after another over the last few months as we see one project after another be completed…and then last night we had an experience of a whole different kind. And yet one that leaves me more deeply thankful than any of our previous blessings.
  I went Black Friday shopping yesterday with my sisters and cousins, and we had a good time chatting and laughing and seeing if there were any bargains to snag. After we were done, Josh and Rachel took me home. They hadn't been there is a few months so we spent a little time showing off all the improvements since they were last there, and then we all sat down for coffee. The kids were as usual shrieking and playing in the loft and enjoying their cousin. All in all a normal, happy evening. But we hadn't been sitting there long, when Wyatt slipped coming down the ladder from the loft and fell about 6 ft. landing on his front/side. Full body impact. It's one of those moments when time freezes and then restarts in slow-motion. Ed was there is a second, picking him up and taking him to the bed to examine him. (Side-note: Ed is an EMT, so he knew what to look for.) I was in a full panic and near hysteria and Ed initially wouldn't let me close, and rightly so! but there is no more helpless feeling in life than knowing your baby is in a life threatening crisis and there is not one single thing (physically) you can do to fix it. I was thrown on God's mercy and His alone. And in that moment, silently crying out to my Heavenly Father for the life and health of my baby boy, not even knowing what to pray or how to pray it….in that moment was crystalized the reality of life. We are living every moment dependent on God's grace and mercy whether we know it or not. And I think so often we lose sight of that fact. I know I do. I wouldn't have said I did, but it's these kind of moments to strip us bare and leave us with the raw truth of our own frailty before an Almighty God. I am, by nature, a do-er. If there is a problem, I want to find the solution. If there is a conflict, I want to resolve it. But God wants us to acknowledge that "without Me, ye can do nothing". In that moment, at the core of my being, I knew that. Not with my mind, but with my soul.
 But our God…..is merciful and gracious.
 Wyatt passed out for about 30 seconds right after Ed picked him up. And after he came to, he was foggy and confused and barely responsive in general. Nothing seemed broken, but he was so pale and fluttery that Ed decided pretty quick we needed to make a trip to the ER in Hattiesburg. Thankfully Josh and Rachel took our truck and all the kids to their house and let us use their car to go to the hospital.
 We had prayer as we took off, and it is surprising how hard it is to admit aloud that our lives are in His hands in moments when that might turn out to have a different ending than we want to demand. The trip took as long as trips do at times like that and we spent it just trying to get him to stay awake. We sang and counted fingers and toes and asked questions, and while he would repeat with difficulty what we said he couldn't answer questions. He kept fading out and it was all I could do to keep him awake. Then just as I got out at the ER to go inside he started vomiting all over both of us. Thankfully we didn't have a long wait, they took us back pretty quick and then after an initial exam got him scheduled for CT scans of the head and neck. Of course, waiting always takes forever, but it gave me time to get cleaned up a bit and he got a gown and warm blankets. ( I had forgotten to even grab his little backpack, so we had NO clothes.) I was thankful that Ed and I were able to hold him through the entire wait and even when he went for his scans they let us go to and go his head and hands. He laid perfectly still for that which amazed and scared me. It was good for the scan but not normal for him at all! He did perk up for just a minute when the nurse gave him some stickers after that which was good to see but it didn't last long. Then we were back to the room to wait for the results. At this point he had been awake for so long, (it was about 10:00pm and he had fallen about 7:20pm) that when he started to doze we just let him sleep. We kept checking his breathing and skin temp and he napped about 20 min before he woke on his own. He seemed much more alert at this point even asking a few questions and noticing what was on the TV in the room, which was hugely encouraging to us. Shortly after that the Dr came in and let us know that all the scans were clear. They had waited to see how he was acting before they let us know the scan results, but they released us not long after that. My relief in hearing that left me feeling a little limp and shaky. I'm convinced the Lord performed a miracle on our behalf. All in all, not a long stay, just an intense one. By the time we headed for the waiting room, he was acting much more like himself.
 We are so thankful for family who are always there when you need them. Josh had called all our family in Wiggins right after they took off, letting them know what happened and asking them to pray. We started getting texts and calls assuring us of prayer not long after we got to the hospital, and then Uncle Phil, Bryson, and Ivan drove up just to wait in the waiting room to find out how things were. Wyatt was able to greet them with a smile (although a pale one) and show them his stickers. And then Uncle Phil led us in a prayer of thanksgiving right there in the waiting room!
  We spent the night in town with Josh's and Wyatt slept well and seems good as new today. I can't help wanting to keep him close and not let him do anything today, but I know it's not me that keeps him safe, it's the powerful, mighty God of the universe, Who sent His only Son to this earth to live and die for my sin. He loves my children more than I possibly could (hard as that is for me to fathom!) and our lives and times are in His hands.
 This Thanksgiving, I'm more thankful than words that:
" Great is the Lord and greatly to be praised, and His greatness is unsearchable". Psalm 145:3

Looking forward, looking back

What a gorgeous week of perfect fall weather. I am just enjoying every minute of it! and I am enjoying it even more this year than last year. :)
  Last year at this time we were still in the throes of moving in to our cabin and adjusting to "pioneer life".
Ed and I jokingly told each other in those first days, " Now we know what freedom is, it tastes a lot like dirt." :)   In spite of many of the physical difficulties we were facing, it was seriously such a relief, once the move was over and we were out of a rental and on our own land. It took a few weeks for it to sink in that we could put down roots and do whatever we wanted 'cause it was ours.
 I  do have to confess to a bit of apprehension going into this venture about how the kids were going to adjust and how was I going to keep them clean and healthy and safe and warm. But they have thrived. Truly. As anxious as I was to be out in the country, and knowing that they would be better for it, I was still amazed to find that in the space of a few weeks they were gaining muscle and weight and their appetites were huge and they were looking less pale and more rosy. Not that my kids have been sickly…quite the opposite. But like all moms, I would worry. The LORD has provided since day one, above and beyond what we expected.

  Then:
 - our cabin was a lot more primitive
 - I was cooking on a 2-burner propane camp stove,
 - we were pumping our water by hand from our well and carrying it to a barrel to treat with bleach      before running it through our Berkey water filter
 - we were dealing with lots of dirt and mud
 - I was either washing clothes by hand or hauling them into town to the laundromat
 - we were hauling every last thing we brought from town 100 yards over a log "bridge"(which is a fancy name for it) and through mud and water to get it to the cabin
 - we were figuring out how to adjust our expectations to a slower lifestyle
 - we were doing dip baths out of an old toy tub in front of a heater on the porch
 - did I mention, dealing with lots of dirt?
 - and yet with all of that enjoying our first taste of freedom. :)

And now? Well, now we are a lot more settled and stable. Still rustic in many ways, but so much stronger for our experiences and confident of the Lord's care and direction even when we might not know exactly what the next thing is. My faith has grown and my confidence has grown.  It feels strange saying this, but I feel as though the Lord has allowed me to experience so many new things and see just what I am capable of, with His help, in areas I have never been tested in before.  I learned how to use power tools in helping frame and build our cabin. We have felled trees and cleared brush and timber. We've learned to improvise and be innovative.  And lest I sound like I'm bragging, I in no way think I or we could have done any of this in our own strength. It's all the Lord's doing.  And I'm also not saying it was easy. Or that there weren't days when I struggled and wished for the easy way out. 'Cause there have been those days too. But living outside so much more has not only improved my mental outlook but also my physical strength. There are constant reminders of our God's awesome power and creation in nature. It's harder to be depressed when a fall sunset or a starlit sky are just beyond our fingertips.
 So here we are. We just celebrated one year on our homestead and we are looking forward to what the next year has to offer.
  I'll try to include a few pictures over the next little while to show you where we are today and also give a peek at where we are headed. In the meantime, we are trying to just live each day as the Lord gives it to us. Uneventfully and simply and hopefully making the best use of our time and resources.

PS. The song "Home" by Phillip Phillips became a favorite when we first heard it right after moving. :)

It's Time

I think 2 years is a pretty good blog furlough, don't you?
 It's been so long I couldn't even remember my login and password and it spent way too much of my very limited "air time" trying to work out those little kinks.  I have been hoping to get back to blogging for about a year now, but it really became imperative when I realized this past week just how rusty my social/communication skills are becoming. I mean really. I spend 90% of my time talking with my kids:
  it's mostly one-sided and not usually intellectually challenging( if you don't count how many times I answer the same question the exact same way before I lose it. :\ ) We don't have internet right now (although hopefully soon) and so that eliminates any online communication or outside input.  Add to that, we live on a little homestead in the woods with chickens, a cat, and a dog and the conversational options really get narrow. I talk Ed's ears off when he is home, and I feel as though our friends at church  are thinking they never get a word in when we talk. Of course this is always in retrospect, because somehow I can't seem to remember quite how to negotiate conversations in the moment. And I have plenty of time after the fact to analyze what I said, and what they said, and how I sounded to myself and then what must they be thinking…..
 so, yeah.
It's definitely time. Time to start blogging. Time to re-enter the world where social graces come naturally and I don't come across …however it is that I come across.

 I'm not going to try to fit 2 years worth of living into one little blog post but the biggest life changes are the fact that we sold half our stuff, built a cabin in the woods and became homesteaders….and have been there about a year now. I'm just beginning to feel my feet under me again in one sense. Or least able to keep my feet and my balance in the new rhythm of life, and begin to be able to think of other things and notice that there is a world out there again.
  If there are any of you left to read this after 2 years, Thank you for hanging in there!!!! maybe it will be entertaining and maybe you will think I'm nuts! but whatever the case, I need to do this for me. So that I can practice "talking".  And for you, so that we can have a conversation where I don't stick my foot in my mouth. ;)
  See ya around, and have a blessed week!

Rodan and Fields

 First of all, let me say I did not go looking for anything else to add to my already full plate. But a couple months back one of my closest friends, Britney Harper, got involved with this business. She is a stay-at-home mom of 6 (with 8 mth old twins) and homeschools. So I knew when she got started it had to be something that was worth it (and for her it was a specific answer to prayer). But I didn't immediately hop on board. One reason being, I am the world's worst sales person. Seriously. The only thing I can do is yard sales where I give something away for 50 cents. Add to that, I just couldn't see where any time would come from to give to any new venture. But.... a week or so ago Ed mentioned to me that he wanted me to find out more about Rodan and Fields and see if it was worth getting involved in. So that led me to believe this is a direction the Lord wanted me to take and I called her to find out more info....and that was the beginning of the end.
   Anyway...so I went to my first R&F meeting Thursday evening (Ed went with me) and we were both very impressed with the reputation of the business as well as the products they offer.  Which is.... a prescription-grade line of skin care from the creators of Proactiv, Drs Katie Rodan and Kathy Fields.  To find out their whole story go here and here.
 Almost everyone I know of, including some of my own family, has skin issues of some kind and could benefit from a trip to the dermatologist, but who can afford it?   As many of you  know, I do try to treat any health issues naturally or with alternative medicine, but sometimes it just doesn't work and you need something more effective. This is a great solution.
  Long story short I am now an independent consultant with Rodan and Fields. You can visit my website here to learn more:   https://jessicablakeman.myrandf.com/    and       https://jessicablakeman.myrandf.biz/
  I'm excited to see where this is going to go. The Lord is already blessing my endeavors more than I would have imagined. If any of you want to know more, please feel free to contact me here or on facebook.

P.S. For the record, I have zero ambition to be the next millionaire(ess) or own a Lexus (hello...where would I put 8 kids ), but I would love to be able to see my husband more than 2  or 3 days in 10.( And by days I mean 24 hour periods not 9-to-5s. =))))And financially everyone can use some extra income...  right?! =)
                            

Updates and a new business venture

 Yes, life continues to be a blur of activity most days. Even when I'm not "getting anything done" I still feel like I dont' know where the time went.
  Wyatt is 7 months now and has started on baby food besides still nursing. I think this kid is going to be the Jolly Green Giant. He eats ALL the time. He is almost crawling....he can scoot everywhere he just doesn't have his "form" down yet. =) He's also practicing being heard above the crowd. Not mad or upset just reallllllyyy loud! He especially loves doing it when we are sitting in church. So my days of sitting through a service are few and far between.
  Asher is about as rascally and bad as an almost 3yr old little boy can be. Problem is, he's just so stinking charming about it. He has been needing lots of intervention lately. Kyla is his innocent-looking partner-in-crime. She begs to do school work but I don't often have an activity ready for her to do so I'll send them to play together. I still not sure if that's a good thing or a a bad thing. It has mixed results.
  Levi is in 1st grade now and learning to read. He loves to do school and would be happy if I had stuff for him to do from morning to night. Isaac is the same way as far as school goes. I've been having to really work on the responsibility side of things though. These two would be happy to leave all chores to the oldest 3. BUT that doesn't work so well around here so I have had to come up with some creative solutions for dealing with that.
  Aaron, Lela, and Alyssa are my biggest helpers. They help with cooking, cleaning and laundry (as do the younger ones, but less so). You would think with all that we would have smooth sailing and things would go like clockwork. Ummm, nah! not really. Cause I still have a hard time keeping it all organized and if Mom's not together...well, you know.
  I would say schooling is my biggest hurdle, but really, as I was sharing with Ed, any one thing on it's own is doable. It's just trying to juggle everything and make it all fit in a small house that makes for hair pulling frustration at times. (And on that note...I did have to cut my hair recently. It was falling out really bad and was just one more thing to try to deal with. Maybe one of these days I can grow it long again, but for now. Easy is best.)

   Add to all of that a new business venture and you probably think I've lost mind. But I prayed long and hard before making any decision.....
  Stay tuned and I'll share more in the next post. =)